The Iron Mutant Challenge

This is what I submitted to Darcy and Joe Bob for the Iron Mutant Challenge for this season of The Last Drive In on Shudder.

The preshow musing was about the hours in a day and beers in a case. Videotapes and VHS are the theme of the night. There were more knife based attacks than I would have thought for a movie called Sledgehammer. It got two and a half stars. Darcy has had some pretty awesome jobs. The title card is hit with its name sake and the credits are terrible. The music was pretty good. Hazy long shot on a house to zoom in to a kid being locked in a closet by a mom in a nighty, jump cut from a longshot on the closet to a creepy guy sitting drinking something, possibly brandy from the glass. Terribly simulated fellatio is interrupted by a sledgehammer wielding psycho killing the two cheaters. Weird fade to ten years later. Utter chaos at the van as the van is unloaded(I can understand the mention in the drive-in totals). I will have words with the fella that says soda isn’t for partying, a good soda is better than a bad beer. At least one couple is having romantic issues. Shirtless fella wants a beer while holding one. Weird slow mo romantic scene between shirtless fella and his girlfriend. Is shirtless fella the lead? Did pink shirt guy die? Preppy guy almost chokes on what might be whiskey then takes a swig of beer. Pink shirt guy changed shirts. Holy shit that guy is the love child of John Oates and John Holmes (John Hoates?). Wait is preppy guy and shirtless fella the same person? Shirtless fella plays the guitar poorly while being creeped on by someone. He might not be playing it poorly the sound might just be bad.

There are fake names in the credits that are pun names. According to Joe Bob there was an impression somewhere in the chaos of the van unloading scene. He also goes on about how Sledgehammer came into being. There is a mention of a gross out sandwich scene and it is absolutely awful, just awful. A lady calls a guy a son of a bitch after he dumps mustard on here and that is far to nice for someone that does that to another person let alone someone that they’re in a relationship with. A food fight happens and everyone looks absolutely disgusting, like they were thrown up on. What sounds like out of character discussion is shown by the guys. The women talk about sex and relationships. The guys do the same but in a joking way. It cuts back and forth between them. Guy with a hat looks a little bit like Cody Rhodes. Ghost hammer after fake out scare in the shower. Pornstache is having relationship trouble as well. I think he means necromancy instead of a séance from the description of what he plans of happening. The stuff from the beginning is shown again but this time in Sepia tone. According to them a séance is a scary story told by candlelight. Striped shirt guy is way too excited by the murder story. I hope he meant unto and not actually on to him. Oh, striped shirt guy is just an asshole. The big redhead that I’ve previously called pink shirt guy is called John, I’m slowly learning their names. Striped shirt guy got stabbed in the neck and dragged away by it.

Confusion about everything while Joe Bob talks about the VHS revolution. Joe Bob went for some Bob Dylan Fu during this break. People give John a hard time for being scared during the séance. Striped shirt guy, who was also the hat guy, was named Joey. Charades are played because that’s a hallmark of any wild party. Is Pornstache gonna get laid? Nope, nevermind he isn’t. Turns out his name is Jimmy. Joey’s murder is discovered. Is his name Jack? I thought my internet froze until it cut to the awkward sex scene. Is Jimmy trying to swallow her face? Joey’s body was discovered. Jimmy and Carol are murdered in bed. Is that a giant Neal Breen in that mask?

Uses for sledgehammers. About the actress that played Carol. I’m thought more by Joe Bob in this break segment than either of the upper level literary criticism classes I took while getting my B.A. in English. Joe Bob threatens me with a good time by suggesting Kubla Khan by Coleridge, but he should read The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, but relents. John took the hammer from the room. They’re supposedly on a mountain. They’re all falling apart. Is her name Joanie? Yep, finally figured her name out. Turns out his name is Chuck not Jack. That clear mask is creepy. John gets a clean knife. How did John close one door and open a different door? The kid isn’t going to open the door for you while you hold the knife like that John. Cobwebs on the door and then trippy shit happens. The Killer  is really sweaty while killing John, who gets a knife stab in on the killer.

The possibly meaning of the movie and Joe Bob with a booth beside Mom and Pop video stores. Joe Bob and Thomas the Tank Engine are mentioned together. There was never a Blockbuster in my small town in Tennessee, the closest ones were a county away at the closest. Killer Workout is mentions, which features Darcy’s aunt. The surviving trio go to find John. John is barely alive when they find him, but he dies soon after. Marie is killed by the killer’s child form by being stabbed. Chuck goes to punch the kid in the face but it blocked by some kind of forcefield and hurts his hand. The mask stops fitting on the killer’s face. Joanie is pushed out of the room while Chuck fights the killer and seemingly dies. She grabs a bat and is then chased around the “house”. Joanie takes the killer down with a bat to the back of the knee then back of the head. She takes him to dick kick city. She home alones a door. A shirtless Chuck reappears and pummels the killer. Killer is killed by his preferred implement. The child version is still alive while Joanie and Chuck escape. Joe Bob praises the film a little before awarding the Silver Bolo to SOV horror. It doesn’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep and then a blonde joke.

The description of the movie has me worried and it is a hell of a description. Existential questions and dread, a bad combination. I don’t think I’ll be craving anything. The fuck is up with the opening and title card? Was that a nightmare? When he turned to the camera I thought he was going to break out into song like this was a musical. The fuck? I thought the credits already happened. The credits are kind of amazing, but in a special kind of way. Why is the male anchor in a completely different location? A little B & E to start a vacation. Aleister Crowley/Evil Dead. Talking about a much better movie while putting his coat in the freezer. The hell is this music? Running water was apparently a marvel when and where this was filmed. Amber Lynn is doing the best acting of this entire movie.

I found Spookie to be a less confusing movie. Devil mask lady was a prostitute. There’s apparently a DVD version of this movie. Is there even an actual plot? Murder on the TV. Groundhog’s Day Massacre a fake film in this movie. What is being said because I can’t tell? Something about beer? Crunchy in his tummy? The spider apparently. Farts. This foley is a mess. Maybe 90% of this dialogue was ADR. Suzanne is being killed by a monster. Oh no, the dog is gonna get eaten isn’t it? It would appear so.

Joe Bob asking questions and Chris Jericho might have the answers. He might not have the answers but is speaking the truth. Jericho seems to be just as confused by this movie as I am. Amber Lynn with the Romero copyright info. Dr. Lucas is evil? A sci-fi novel about a Scottish town where a murder happens. This doesn’t sound like any sci-fi story I’ve ever heard. These guys are very dumb. A joke is told. I can’t make out what’s actually happening. Did he pour whiskey on him? Hey, his mustache half fell off then reappeared.

Joe Bob is able to make sense out of this somehow. Jericho dropping truth bombs. My Bloody Valentine is another Canadian slasher. Suspenseful narrative? Is there even a narrative? I would have thought  he’d have another shirt to put on in his own house. He found a shirt to put on. Did he beat the shit out of his brother? A thing being on the toilet is apparently the funniest thing in the world ever. Did it get flushed down the toilet? Are the brothers going to kill each other or the things? I think he killed his brother by missing the thing that was on him. Fuses get changed. I guess he wasn’t killed by getting his head bashed in by a hammer. More random far noises. His hand is bitten off then the stump is cauterized. Morphine is somewhere. I’m still not entirely sure what’s happenings. He finally dies I guess. Is he drilling the wall or a thing? Poorly done vomit FX and he looks like he’s dieing. Nevermind he’s drilling a thing to death. The drill came unplugged. Wait what? Oh okay, nevermind I have no idea what’s actually happening still. Is he just taking a nap? Doug is dead and Done is alive.

Things should be sent into the sun. Darcy asks the real questions. I can’t tell if that’s a chainsaw or a very farty person. It was a chainsaw, the less interesting of the two options. Was the thing tickling Don? Amber Lynn is being held hostage and needs to be rescued. What is happening again? Are the news reports the aftermath? Is Fred being eaten? Why is Don slamming the door on Fred? Don is the shittiest friend ever. Fred wants to be either Robocop or the Six Million Dollar Man. Fred is a terminator or something. Dr. Lucas is being super casual about everything. Dr. Lucas is all about human blood. Is Done being strangled? This is riveting dialogue. Dr. Lucas being killed might be the best part of this whole movie. Wait is Done just running and screaming at whoever he sees? Is this movie almost over? A dream fakeout? Fuck this stupid fucking movie. Damn straight I just experienced Things. Mailbag: creepy neighbor caps and a touching letter. To close it out a performance of Talespin with Joe Bob espousing the value of SOV movies.

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